Hey there, kitten, it’s time for another chat.
Curl up here on my lap and feel my hand warm and steady on your back. Because today we need to talk about your finances.
Not in a super sexy way (though that’s normally what finances do for me). But in a peeling-back-the-curtain way. In a way that asks you to take off the horny glasses for a second and think big picture with me.
I’m seeing a lot of you come into findom spaces lately looking for something that sounds very cute and hot on first glance:
Friendzone dynamics. GFE. “I want to get to know you as a person.”
Seems like green flags all the way down.
Until we scroll down to the budget.
$50 a month.
$100 a month.
$150 a month.
Now, before you get preemptively upset because perhaps to you that feels like a lot, let me pause and say that $50, $100, $150, an occasional coffee send are valid. I’m not writing this to say it’s six figures or bust. But what I am saying is that we need to do some math and then talk about power.
Stay with me.
Let’s think about the typical GFE or friendzone dynamic. Most people want near-daily chats. So let’s say, on the low-end of expectations, that’s 20 minutes a day that your domme devotes to you. Average 30-day month takes us to 10 hours.
$50 a month means she’s making $5 per hour for that time.
$150 takes that to $15 an hour.
That’s not even factoring in the time she spends marketing herself, any time she spent on photos she might send you, any time she spends planning games, etc.
That first number is well and truly less than minimum wage. That second number, still less than minimum wage in most places.
Which is why I need you to hear me when I say: no matter how generous you feel, she is actually the one being extremely generous.
And maybe that strokes your ego, kitten. Because having a woman want to play with you without real financial compensation feels good.
But what it doesn’t do is this: empower her. What it isn’t is this: financial power exchange.
When you buy yourself a cup of coffee or a computer or tickets to Paris, you aren’t giving up your power. You’re completing a transaction. When you send her money and expect your 10 hours, that’s also a transaction. Feeling a rush because the transaction is taboo isn’t the same as actually putting down your power.
I can feel the despair from some of you right now, so let me say again: $50, $100, even coffee—these are perfectly acceptable amounts.You can worship and serve and admire and adore and submit yourself to women without having a giant budget.
But
Only when you let go of those 10 hours.
Only if you kill that entitlement part in its tracks.
The truth: nobody feels empowered in a minimum wage job.
Nobody feels empowered by your entitlement.
Nobody feels empowered when you devalue their labor.
(And yes, asking a woman to dominate you, manage your emotions, direct your life, tease you, prioritize you, and set aside daily time for you is labor. If that hurts your ego, good. Ego is bad for you, kitten. Kick it again for me.)
If what you really want is to empower her (I’m not talking to the rest of y’all. Go chew a bar of soap or something.), it’s time to acknowledge these realities.
The kind of findom that empowers, that dominates, that gives her space to play, to feel appreciated, to feel worshipped—that requires less expecations on your part and an acknowledgement of what her time is worth.
This doesn’t mean she won’t ever choose to play with you because she wants to. It doesn’t mean she won’t ever get to know about you or care about you or understand you. This is really what most of y’all are afraid of losing—and what you haven’t realized yet is that giving up the entitlement is what makes this real. (There’s a reason it feels unsatisfying when you’ve coerced her into devaluing her time.)
It also doesn’t mean you won’t find desperate people who will give you the transaction you’re seeking. Nobody’s saying you can’t find a GFE for cheap.
It does mean that if what you are craving is power exchange, it requires you to release your iron grip on those 10 hours, those expectations, that entitlement and actually sacrifice your power to empower her.
I’m (obviously) not talking about lifestyle dynamics or free play between consenting parties.
I’m talking about the fact that many of you aren’t here because the power exchange turns you on. You are here because you want to buy a woman’s attention. And you think that attention should be cheap. You still want to dictate terms. You still want to control even as you cosplay letting go of control.
I still remember the man who lost his mind when I suggested he pay his dommes the same hourly rate he made at his job.
That man promptly lost his mind.
Because the truth was that he didn’t value their time as much as his.
And he didn’t have to. Nobody was going to hold a gun to his head and force him.
But you can’t claim female supremacy when you still believe your time is more valuable than hers. You can’t claim power exchange when you are transacting 10 minutes of your time for an hour of hers. You can’t crow about how her time is more valuable than yours when you won’t even pay her equal to what you earn.
If you are having a big, scary ah-ha moment, good. Sit with it. Crush that ego further. Stomp on it for me and then spit on it for good measure.
In short: cosplaying as a submissive while still believing that her time is less valuable than yours or thinking you are “generous” for paying her what amounts to $5 per hour is boring. But actually sacrificing—your money, your ego, your entitlement—at the altar of a woman you admire and long to serve? Fucking hot. And if the sacrifice is $5—STILL HOT as long as it doesn’t come with the entitlement part.