Who will own me?
Seeking ownership!
Long-term only.
Own me. Devour me. Collar me. Keep me.
Who will own me?
Who will own me?
Do you hear the longing in it? The way these words slip into my inbox full of weight, full of truths just simmering under the surface. Questions under the question. Longing that has attached itself to a single word.
Ownership.
When subs ask about it early in conversation, there is almost always something else behind the words.
It’s not simply: will you own me? Not really.
It’s this: am I safe?
Am I safe to surrender? Will you still be here when I show you the messy parts, the scary parts, the shameful parts? Will you stay when I let go?
Ownership doesn’t really promise those things, just like marriage or commitments in the vanilla world don’t and can’t either. At the end of the day it’s trust and connection that create that safety.
But.
But the request for ownership tells me something about the asker. Tells me something about what they need. What they fear. And what makes them feel safe.
Will you still be here when I show you my whole, real, messy self? This is usually the real question they’re asking and the one I try to focus on instead of ownership itself.
The reverse is also true.
When a sub comes to me and says “I never want ownership.” When they skitter at the mention of it. There’s something behind that too. It’s often the same question but with a different anxiety at its helm:
Am I safe?
This time: Am I safe to leave? Will you promise not to trap me? Will you promise not to hold me down? If I get up the courage to say that I’m quitting, will you let me go?
These are usually the subs who have been manipulated, blackmailed, or otherwise non-consentually harmed in dynamics before. And so what they need to know is this: will you let me leave without a fight?
Of course, these are not the only reasons that people ask these questions. There are those who fetishize ownership itself. There are those who want to use lack of commitment as an excuse for lack of care. There are more than two ways to feel about this.
But for most of the people in my DMs, these two requests for psychological safety ring deeply true.
They are often there because my words made them feel seen. And before we take another step they need a slice of reassurance:
Am I safe?
To stay. To go. To be authentic.
The label is nearly never the point this early on in a connection. The connection itself is.