I understand why some of you don’t want to. Perhaps you’re afraid it will rule you out of playing. Perhaps it feels too risky, like she’ll push too far if she knows it, will see it as a jumping off point instead of a Stop Sign. Perhaps it’s complicated. You have hard limits and soft ones, a variable budget each month, etc.
BUT
Whatever your concerns are, you still need a budget—and you still need to tell your domme. Because…
1. You don’t want to be snapped out of sub space.
You say you will control your own budget limits. You give me no idea of what those area. We get into a scene. I ask for a first send—it’s fine. We get to the second—it’s fine. And then another send—and suddenly, immediately you anxiously shut down. Because we’ve hit your tolerance and I didn’t know it. Or we started getting close and now you’re panicking. Now you feel bad because you can’t send that or you can send that but not the next one and you can tell the game isn’t over.
Suddenly, you’ve been ripped from the fantasy by your own lack of communication. And even with guidance, understanding, and safe words, sometimes you just can’t go back in. The shame punched your boner in the gut and it’s going to take awhile to get its wind back.
While it’s certainly ok to have moments where scenes end suddenly because of someone’s comfort or triggers—in this case it’s easy to avoid if you just set a budget (or a hard and soft budget) ahead of time. If nothing else, it gives the psychological safety to know that I’m not going to go for that fourth send if the third took you to the edge of the budget.
If you are saying “I haven’t thought about my budget,” well, go think about it. Now while you still have bloodflow to your brain.
2. It helps your domme design sessions.
I love to tease, so when I do a drain, I like to draw it out. If I don’t have your budget ahead of time, I may hit it within 5 minutes or 10 or 15 when I was hoping to toy with you for 30. Now you’re forced (again) out of sub space to tell me it’s too much and I have to scramble for a different plan.
This isn’t just relevant to drains themselves, but also how often you can do sessions, what those sessions are. You don’t want to go crazy for a week and then suddenly be broke for the rest of the month. If your domme knows your limits, she can draw things out, slow things down—even when you’re too horny to do it yourself.
3. Y’all aren’t great at stopping when you are truly in subspace.
Ethical dommes know this and will push the pause button, tell you not to go over budget, check in, etc. I want you around long-term and thriving—not just drained and anxious a week in.
So please, take a minute: make a budget. And make one that won’t ruin your life. This kink is fun as hell, but it won’t stay fun if you make yourself homeless. And your domme can’t help you if you don’t tell her your budget.