It\u2019s easy to think that BDSM is\u2014by it\u2019s very nature\u2014subversive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
We\u2019re the weirdos. The freaks. The ones taking societal norms and turning them on their heads, pushing them past their boundaries, exploring the landscapes marked on the normal societal maps as \u201chere there be dragons.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s loneliness in that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s horniness in that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And sometimes there\u2019s some pride in that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In being subversive. Being edgy. Being kinky.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So it took me some time to parse out the truth of BDSM spaces. That yes, there is subversion here. Yes, there is a landscape here that\u2019s off the beaten track.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But also, yes, you will find a lot of play, kinks, relationships, and norms within our space that do the very opposite of subverting societal scripts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They reinforce<\/em> them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Making fun of you for being femme? Not subversive. Centering the peen? Not subversive. Prioritizing a fantasy woman over your wife? Not even close to subversive. Your age gap fantasy where your old ass is desired by women half your age? Not subversive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019re on the same scripts as the rest of the vanilla men. You just want to have that vanilla cake and call yourself edgy too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And goddamn I find you boring when you do that shit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n *<\/p>\n\n\n\n When a man comes to me wanting me to shame him for femininity, to dress him up in high heels and glitter and call him sissy or queer, that\u2019s not subversive or exciting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s just entrenching the status quo. That women are less than men. That men are lowering themselves by exploring femininity. That femininity makes you queer. That femininity itself is defined by glitter or lipstick or pink sparkling wine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It is, in a word, boring<\/em>. Predictable. The opposite of edgy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, if you want to put on a dress and feel your feelings. If you want encouragement to step deeper into a world of things your assigned gender has denied you\u2014be that lipstick, sisterhood, or platform heels\u2014fuck yeah. That\u2019s subversive. That\u2019s not playing by society\u2019s rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s<\/em> where I want to meet you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s<\/em> what turns me on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n *<\/p>\n\n\n\n When a man wants to play a homewrecking fantasy where a hot dominant woman way out of his league swoops in to steal him away from his wife (as if he were a prize), that\u2019s not subversive. It just reinforces the idea that any man\u2014regardless of any real effort or character traits that women value\u2014is a prize by default, that women are in competition for y\u2019all, and that men determine which woman has value and which one is expendable. Not to mention that it is rape culture\u2014that your wife\u2019s consent and value have been taken off the table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s not subversive. It\u2019s not edgy. It\u2019s the most boring, on-script fantasy of them all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The subversive, sexy version of this is handing over your power to your wife. Be cucked. Be hers. Let her pass you around to her friends if she wants.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s sexy. That\u2019s interesting. That\u2019s subverting a status quo.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The other subversive version of this is consensual threesomes, group sex, non-monogamy, sex parties\u2014desire outside the bounds of the box society drew.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Or being free use for women. (But again, you have to become the kind of person women want to use. No skipping steps.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n *<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is the kind of world I want to live in and it\u2019s the kind of kink I want to play with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One where disempowered people find power.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One where the beautiful parts of yourself society shames are rendered beautiful again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One where submissive men find the fucking gorgeousness of their submission.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Where femininity is sexy and powerful and worth exploring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Where you are not empowered because of your gender but because of the work you\u2019ve done in yourself to be safe, powerful, and emotionally stable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n *<\/p>\n\n\n\n Am I kink-shaming you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your kink is built on unexamined misogyny, racism, or other bigotries\u2014damn straight I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But you know what I\u2019m not shaming and will never shame? You doing the work to find the fucking sexy kink underneath that other societal bullshit, doing the work to dig out the bullshit part and find the sexy, powerful, authentic part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that wants to explore femininity for real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that admires women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that wants to rest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that wants to connect and repair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that wants to feel hard feelings and exist with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that wants to center someone else\u2019s pleasure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that wants to give up power for real, not cosplay it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The part that realizes that the way into fantasies about being wanted by multiple women is about becoming<\/em> a person multiple women would want\u2014and that the boring script about having to harm one woman to be wanted by another is just that, a boring script<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I take it back. I\u2019m not kink-shaming most of y\u2019all. I\u2019m kink-reframing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because at the heart of the most boring \u201ckinks\u201d (are they even kinks when they are sooooo status quo, though) are real desires that probably are subversive according to society:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Being wanted by multiple people<\/p>\n\n\n\n Embracing your whole self instead of just the parts the Council of DudeBros who Decide What Masculinity Is have decided.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Putting down your power and responsibilities<\/p>\n\n\n\n Stepping outside hierarchies or reversing your role in them<\/p>\n\n\n\n Feeling empowered in a way vanilla life never quite delivers on no matter how privileged you are<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s the part I\u2019m here for. That\u2019s the part that\u2019s sexy. That\u2019s the part that\u2019s empowering\u2014not just when you\u2019re horny but when you cement it in your soul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So feel free to miss me if you want to stay on the script. And if you want off it? Let\u2019s fucking go.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s easy to think that BDSM is\u2014by it\u2019s very nature\u2014subversive. We\u2019re the weirdos. The freaks. The ones taking societal norms and turning them on their…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-434","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-findom"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/434","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=434"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/434\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":435,"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/434\/revisions\/435"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=434"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=434"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yourgoddesspandora.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=434"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}