\u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s possible,\u201d a young sub offered the subject up for debate in a group chat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
His reasoning: because of money. Money somehow made friendship, care, or true connection impossible in his mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I find this both baffling and irritating, so let\u2019s talk about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
First, h<\/strong>ave you never had a friend <\/strong>or deep connection with someone<\/strong> you also exchange money or services with?<\/strong> Never had a work colleague who became a dear friend? Never had a deep conversation with a therapist or life coach? Never gotten a crush on or dated someone you met in a context of financial exchange (server, bartender, carpenter, contractor)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I have two dear friends who I met at a work conference over a decade ago. We\u2019ve since taken friend trips to France, cried on each other\u2019s shoulders, sent multi-hour voice note updates. And one of them has single-handedly been the greatest source of new clients for me in my vanilla work for the last decade. When we chat, we often finish up work stuff and one of us says \u201cok, friend mode time!\u201d and we transition seamlessly into a space of friendship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Why in the world wouldn\u2019t that be possible in D\/s? What about this space makes you think it\u2019s not possible for people to have multiple types of connections\u2014including a financial one?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, are y\u2019all not generous in your personal lives?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Because I am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A friend asked me for $100 to get out of a bad situation a couple weeks ago and I sent it within minutes. I bought a plane ticket this summer so someone I love could see his family after a long time apart. I sneak to the counter and pay for friends\u2019 coffees all the time. I literally have a competition with my bestie to see who can secretly fund the meals we eat together before the other gets to it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n None of these financial moves by me or my bestie negate the love and friendship and connection I have with any of these people. Why the fucking fuck would you giving me money mean I couldn\u2019t possibly care about you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do you think my bestie cares less about me because I paid for the apartment we rented for an art retreat a few years ago or do you think it was a lovely gift and deep moment in our friendship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Do y\u2019all really have that toxic a view of money? As if it poisons what it touches instead of being a tool like any other\u2014a tool that can be used for exchange (theoretically morally neutral), to give care with no expectation (morally rad as fuck), or to control another person (only morally ok if consensual).<\/p>\n\n\n\n So if you think that D\/s, findom, or femdom connections cannot possibly be genuinely caring or turn into friendship or romance outside the financial aspect, kittens, I invite you to examine that belief in yourself. Why<\/em> do you believe that?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Are you coming into this space with a transactional mindset you haven\u2019t communicated? Do you have the expectation<\/em> of friendship and when you find it unmet you feel resentful? Could it come from a misogynistic belief society has handed you saying that women are just trying to take advantage of you (non-consentually)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n I can\u2019t answer those questions for you. I\u2019m just inviting you to sit with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Not every findom connection will turn into friendship\u2014but that doesn\u2019t mean 0% will. And just because someone isn\u2019t your friend doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t care about you. My physiotherapist isn\u2019t my friend but she quite literally changed my life. Same thing with my first therapist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So dear lord, let\u2019s stop the binary thinking that money stabs any chance of real care in the heart. And stop assuming just because money is involved, care cannot be. Don\u2019t come into dynamics expecting<\/em> the person to become your bestie or your girlfriend, but don\u2019t be surprised if your connections are deep and caring and have more than one dimension.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s possible,\u201d a young sub offered the subject up for debate in a group chat. His reasoning: because of money. 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