It starts with a spark, a twitch, a catch in your breath. She\u2019s beautiful. She\u2019s powerful. She\u2019s already got you figured out and you just know it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s the domme you want to serve, the domme you want to wrap you tight around her perfectly manicured finger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And so you reach out. You hope. You send a message. You send age verification. But when it comes to your money, you hold back. It\u2019s a pastry or a coffee and then\u2014nothing more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then you wait.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ll send more when she impresses me, when she seduces me, when she takes over my mind, <\/em>you tell yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Inevitably, she never does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because what you don\u2019t realize is that you\u2019ve already put a wall between you<\/strong>rself<\/strong> and that hope<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n By asking her to give and prove and invest in you without <\/em>you<\/em> investing in her<\/em>, you\u2019ve clung to your power instead of releasing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You\u2019ve set her up to chase, to work, to beg (ew). And either she won\u2019t<\/em> because most dommes won\u2019t. That\u2019s not what we do. It\u2019s not the power structure we crave, the kinds of connections we\u2019re seeking here.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Or she will<\/em> chase and beg and it doesn\u2019t work. Because that\u2019s not actually what you want, kitten\u2014to turn her into someone courting your favor. You haven\u2019t set yourself up for surrender. You have asked her to submit to you instead of the other way around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And so you ruin your fantasy before it begins. Because of that pesky little asshole:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fear.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n One of the disservices culture offers to every person raised as a man is this: it plants in you a fear of being taken advantage of by women.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n (Now, depending who you are, you might be in the findom or femdom space because you want<\/em> to be taken advantage of \u2013 and hi cuties, adore you, not talking to you in this one. Y\u2019all are already on board. But for the others, the skittish little kittens stepping into the space scared\u2026)<\/p>\n\n\n\n You are scared of the scams, of the ripoffs, but way more than that <\/strong>scared <\/strong>of the <\/strong>vulnerability<\/strong><\/em>. <\/strong>Scared that if you open up, give freely of your time, your energy, your care, your truths, you will end up rejected.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s really what you\u2019re scared of, isn\u2019t it? Not even being scammed. Being <\/strong>rejected<\/strong><\/em> by a real person you admire and want.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n And so you enter spaces holding back, being stingy with your money, your time, your care, your emotions\u2014and you\u2019re shocked when that inspires stinginess in the person you\u2019re interacting with. When it never works<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The reality is that when you are generous\u2014truly generous\u2014it frees up the women in your life (be that personal connections or dommes) to be generous with you<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In other words: how you enter a dynamic either creates an atmosphere of generosity or one of stinginess. Either your domme knows from the start that she is treasured, you see her time and presence as valuable and she can trust that you will keep showing up with generosity and care\u2014or she knows that she will have to draw every coffee send from you painstakingly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And kittens, nobody wants the latter when they can have the former. Dommes who are successful in this space and in their vanilla careers aren\u2019t going to chase you around for scraps. We aren\u2019t going to trade in our power for the day just because maybe you\u2019ll turn out to be better than this later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For those interested in feminization or simply deconstructing the ways that society has limited you as a man, this is me ushering you into the sisterhood by telling you our secret:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Generosity<\/strong> is how women relate to each other.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n We show up emotionally, physically, intellectually, financially. We bring each other food when we\u2019re sick or sad. We fight over who pays for each other\u2019s coffee. We show up planning to be generous and we are often met with generosity in return.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This takes courage. It takes a willingness to be the one who is sometimes <\/strong>over<\/strong><\/em>generous.<\/strong> It takes an acceptance that sometimes you will be generous with a person you never see again or never get anything from\u2014and actually that\u2019s beautiful<\/em>. I\u2019ve paid the rent of strangers on GoFundMe before just for the feeling it gives me when I think of that person checking their email and finding that stress has evaporated from their life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is what I personally mean when I say I don\u2019t want findom to be transactional\u2014not that it shouldn\u2019t include money (lol to everyone who has suggested that; are you lost, bro?) but that you should come in with generosity, care, and admiration from the start. Show up giving<\/em>. Show up sacrificing<\/em>. Show up not expecting anything in return\u2014even as you hope for connection to blossom.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That is how you set yourself up for real success in a dynamic. Any<\/em> dynamic. In BDSM and in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is how you make me want to surprise you with more care and play and space than you ever expected from me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n To get there, you\u2019ll need to be brave enough to rip entitlement out by its roots, to give with only the expectation of how it will make you feel, not what you will get for it<\/strong>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It starts with a spark, a twitch, a catch in your breath. She\u2019s beautiful. She\u2019s powerful. 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